Madoka in Mexico
A pink sombrero stood out in the distance, pacing itself slowly, but drawing ever closer as Kyoko Sakura stared out towards the near-endless expanse of the desert before her and her fort. She could not make out a face from this far, not even with her enhanced abilities along with a pair of binoculars, but she knew that there was only one possible being who could pull off this hat with any fashionability– Madoka Kaname. Why was she out here? A knot formed deep within Kyoko’s stomach, giving her an anxiety she hadn’t felt in a long time. Madoka…
Kyoko took a bite of her taco. It was only her sixth one since lunch, but now she didn’t feel all too hungry; she was eating purely out of compulsion now. This situation at hand, and the mystery behind it, and this stupid hot weather– they were all making her… nervous. It was really weird a feeling, being nervous. Not an emotion Kyoko felt often, and not one she considered pleasant, to say the least.
Many minutes went by, the pink sombrero gradually morphing into the girl Kyoko knew so well. The knot in her stomach gripped ever tighter. Why didn’t Madoka just fly over here or something?! This wait was absolutely murderous, not that Kyoko knew what that felt like.
Finally, she had arrived at the doorstep of the fort. She looked up to the top and waved at Kyoko, still peering over at her.
“Hey!” Madoka greeted. Kyoko gave a wave back, though not nearly as enthusiastically. The anxiety lessened, but certainly did not vanish as the fellow magical girl entered her presence.
Kyoko was too impatient to wait for Madoka any longer, so she jumped off the top of the fort and rolled as she hit the ground, instantly taking away any potential damage that she might have done to herself.
“According to the Zelda games, I defied no physics,” Kyoko explained. She now had a perfect view of Madoka. Her large sombrero accentuated her bright candy-pink hair, and perfectly complemented her outfit overall. Kyoko had to admit that she thought Madoka looked really cute— in a completely platonic way, she noted as she realized Homura was also there, having appeared out of nowhere, her usual stoic-yet-uncontent face glaring off into the distance.
“Holy crap, where did Homura come from?” Kyoko asked in shock.
Homura turned her head using one of those signature SHAFT head-tilts, and gazed plainly at Kyoko. “My mother’s womb,” she replied.
“No, I mean just now…”
“I froze time. And then I walked.” Kyoko made no attempt to try and figure out the logistics of this, and neither did the audience, hopefully.
“Okay,” Kyoko finally cut to the chase. “Why are you girls here in Mexico? I haven’t seen either of you since Kyubey reassigned me to this fort, and now here you are. Do you need me for some reason? Are we doing that whole The Rebellion thing finally?”
“No, that’s not until this fall,” Madoka said. “But we do need you for something else. See, Sayaka turned into a witch last week.”
She continued. “As you know, in this universe, magical girls retain their human form when they turn into witches.”
“Yeah, of course, that’s common knowledge. Your point?”
“Well, Witch Sayaka has taken advantage of this, and took control of the Yakuza, with not a soul realizing that she is not actually a human!”
“Woah, that is badass,” Kyoko said in wonder.
“Yeah, but problem is she’s taken over all of Japan now.”
“And now she’s coming here to try and coup the Mexican drug cartels and topple Mexico’s entire government!”
“How awful, I guess. We should do something about it maybe.”
“We are,” Madoka said. “That’s why we’ve come here; to ask for your help.”
“You want MY help? Really? The person who got exiled from Japan for–“
“Kyoko,” Homura interrupted. “This is the eighth time I’ve had to reset the timeline for this mission. We need you to help, not want you to. Trust us.”
“Ugh fine,” Kyoko said. “Let me just grab my stuff.”
“There is no time,” Homura replied. “Your lance is enough.”
“Squadala,” Homura said in her most emotionless tone. No-one made a response, nor did they even react. The desert was too quiet, too serene for anyone to break the silence beyond what had to be said. It was simply a matter of respect. Or something.
Kyoko was obviously the one to kill the somber mood. “So what about Mami Tomoe?” She asked. “How come she isn’t with us?”
“She was supposed to,” Madoka said in return. “But she went earlier this week so she could be ahead of us. I have no idea what happened to her, though…”
“That’s kinda worrisome,” Kyoko said. “Mexico is a dangerous place.”
“Oh yeah, didn’t you and she used to be magical girl partners with somewhat romantic undertones?”
“I don’t think so,” Kyoko replied. “I don’t believe the manga spinoff you are referring to is actually canon.”
“Even the Drama CDs?”
“Eh…. Probably not. At least I don’t want them to be. Whether or not they are is entirely up to the Magica Quartet, but hear my plea; I wish for the show and only the show to be canon.”
“Kyoko, I don’t think they can hear you. And even if they did, I don’t think they care.”
“Why shouldn’t they? We’re their characters!”
“Yeah, the characters they emotionally mutilated, killing all our families and generally ruining our lives across a billion timelines.”
It was a while later when the three came upon a small town seemingly straight out of the set of Jonah Hex–
Really? Jonah Hex? Out of all the westerns you could have POSSIBLY had me reference… No, that’s it. Screw this story. I quit.
Oh, hello there. I’m the new narrator. Apparently we left off when the magical girls had arrived at this new town and were meeting with its sheriff. Let’s take a look:
“Why greetin’,” the sheriff greeted. “I’m Sheriff Flint. You can call me Sheriff Flint.”
“Hi, Sheriff Flint,” Madoka said.
“Now, what brings you here, you Freudian Trio?”
“Now wait,” Kyoko said. “What do you mean, Fr-“
Homura interrupted Kyoko once again. “Sir, you have approximately six point three seconds to
“Now I’ll have you know, you don’t have to call me si-” a bullet rang through his chest, and he promptly collapsed onto the ground.
“Every time. Every damn time,” Homura said.
Madoka kneeled over Sheriff Flint. “I’m so sorry,” she cried. “I wasn’t strong enough to save you…”
“Don’t worry, young girl…” The Sheriff weakly whispered. “All you can do now is… Save Mexico…” He plucked his sheriff star off his shirt and pinned it on her chest. “The fate of the country–” And then he died.
“Wow,” Homura said. “He didn’t even get to finish his last words this time. Strange.”
Madoka stood up and saw the fleeting figures running away from the scene. “Must be the assassin. As Sheriff Kaname of Mexico, I declare war on the drug cartels!” She launched her sombrero like a pink frisbee of spinning death, knocking him to the ground. The sombrero returned to her and she put it back on her head. Homura took the others’ hands, froze time, and walked them over to the passed-out murderer before he could regain consciousness.
Madoka kicked the assassin awake. “Hey guy,” she greeted with a wide smile. He screamed. Homura picked him up by the shirt and growled unintelligibly at him, before throwing him back down. It sounded kind of like “Where’s Rachel?!” but that was nonsense, so Kyoko ignored it.
Madoka pressed down one foot against his chest. “Are you working for Sayaka?” Madoka asked simply. She put further pressure on his stomach. He yelped, then nodded furiously. “Then tell us where her base of operations is located.”
“I…I can’t…” the man groaned. Madoka snapped her fingers. Homura responded by pulling out a desert eagle and shooting the man’s left arm. He bellowed out in pain and began to cry. She shot the other one next.
“Okay, okay,” the assassin whimpered. “She’s in the Chichen Itza. I swear.”
“Good,” Madoka said, releasing her foot from the man. “C’mon guys, let’s go.”
“You’re just going to leave him here?” Kyoko asked. “You’re not going to kill him, or maim him further for good measure?”
“Of course not,” Homura said. “We’re fourteen year old Japanese girls. Why would you even expect something like that out of us?”
Thanks to time-freezing, the days it took to walk to the Chichen Itza turned into a couple of seconds in real life. Though, holding Homura’s hand the entire time was kind of awkward, Kyoko found out. Who knew a girl’s hands could be so sweaty?
Now they were at the base of this mighty Olmec Pyramid, built to appease all the mythical gods on nearby Mount Olympus. Even Kyoko was daunted by this intense sight. It also made her kind of hungry.
“Is this really where Sayaka is?” she asked.
“Of course,” Homura said. “The assassin said just as much; it’s not like he would have lied to us or anything. Assassins are trustworthy.”
They entered the temple, and immediately upon doing so, thousands of guns began firing, all at once. Apparently they were aware that they were coming. This literal shower of bullets swarmed the girls, and it took extreme efforts in dodging as well as high-powered character shields to avoid being killed. Kyoko was hit in the arm, though only by a grazing bullet, so it was not serious. She pulled out her lance-nunchuck thing and took out a few dozen soldiers in one swing; apparently she was playing Dynasty Warriors?
All of the mooks were cleared out soon enough, leaving only the miniboss…. Mami Tomoe?! Oh no, she was a witch too, now!
“Mami, no!!!!” Madoka was highly distraught by this turn of events.
“Ha, I’ve never felt better in my life,” Mami began. “Being a witch is absolutely amazing. You ought to try it!
“Never!” Kyoko shouted. “I’d rather die than harvest the pain of innocents like you are implied to be doing!”
“Oh, well–” a shot of pink light hit Mami’s forehead, blowing it completely up, along with her soul gem, instantly killing her. Madoka lowered her bow, and shed a single manly tear.
“Let’s go defeat Sayaka,” she said. Homura patted her on the back, trying to comfort her.
They began their walk down the really long hallway towards the final room, which was probably a loading screen in disguise, and readied themselves for a duel for the ages.
“So I guess this is it,” Kyoko said.
“Yep,” Madoka agreed.
“Yes,” Homura concurred.
“How are we going to be able to kill Sayaka too…?” Kyoko wasn’t sure she could even do it.
“Oh, we aren’t going to,” Madoka said cheerfully. “We’re going to save her!” Wait, what about… Nevermind, Kyoko thought. “Actually, that’s why we brought you, Kyoko.”
Homura answered. “You will see what you must do when we enter. Trust me.”
“Uhh… Maybe?” They were at the door now, and Homura slammed it open in an instant, defying all physics ever.
There she was: Witch Sayaka Miki. While Homura shot her uzi and Madoka tossed her sombrero, Kyoko could only stare. Her lustrous glowing aura…. That armor, even more form fitting than she remembered… Kyoko couldn’t resist any longer.
“HOT DAMN GURL,” Kyoko shouted. “LOOK AT DAT BOD.”
Sayaka’s head turned. “Kyoko?” The glowing aura suddenly vanished, and she fell to the ground. She smiled, now cured by the power of friendship.
“Congratulations!” Madoka, Homura, and Kyoko all said in tandem, clapping cheerfully. Madoka was unable to contain her pure delight, and attack hugged Sayaka, who gladly embraced in return. All was well. Kyoko even smiled.
Madoka put handcuffs on Sayaka’s wrists. “Sorry, but you still have to pay for your crimes,” she explained. “And as Sheriff Kaname of Mexico, I hereby place you under arrest.” Sayaka complied, though not without a certain melancholy.
Suddenly, Homura grabbed Madoka’s hands and stared into her eyes.
“Madoka,” Homura said simply.
“Yeah……….?????” Madoka asked, perplexed.
(Nope. To be continued, in MY BIG FAT MADOKA WEDDING)