My Big Fat Madoka Wedding
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Kyoko spat out her drink, or would have had she actually been drinking something. Which she was. Apple juice to be precise. But now she wondered if it was spiked with vodka.
Madoka’s face held a similar reaction. “Whaaaaaat?”
“Yes. Marry me.”
“It is important that you do. For you see, it is key to a successful timeline in which nobody dies and every witch is obliterated.”
“What about Mami,” interjected Kyoko.
Homura continued. “Our wedding will be a magnificent ceremony, and as a result, all witches on the planet will wish to crash the party and will attack at the same time, so as not to let us complete our vows.”
“So like if you two get married,” Kyoko said. “Your magical energies will cause some crazy mega-powerful energy blast that could change the universe and completely overcome entropy? And that is why they will all attack?
“No,” Homura answered. “They just really don’t like parties.”
“Wait,” Madoka said. “If all the witches attacked at once… Is this really the wisest idea…?”
“No, it is,” Homura said. “Trust me.” Kyoko was so peeved sometimes at Homura’s constant vagueness, but she hadn’t been wrong yet. Hopefully this would be no exception.
Sayaka, handcuffed and foot-tied and sitting on her knees began to stir suddenly. Madoka looked at her with an eyebrow raised. Sayaka hopped on her knees and grew a wide smile on her face.
“What is it, Sayaka?” Madoka asked.
“Madoka make me maid of honor make me maid of honor make me maid of honor… I wanna be maid of honor!!” Sayaka hopped a full foot with only her knees, giddy with excitement.
“Uhh, ok. After your trial, of course.”
“Yes!!!” Sayaka beamed with glee. “I can’t wait for my conviction!”
“They do have the right to a fair and speedy trial here in Mexico, right?” Kyoko wondered.
“I think so?” Madoka said.
“Well then we can have the trial tomorrow!” Sayaka exclaimed. “This is gonna be awesome!”
“I’ll gather the judge and jury and such,” Homura said. “Focus on finding lawyers and we will be set.”
“Hmm…. I know someone good for the prosecution…” Madoka said.
“And I totally got the best lawyer,” Sayaka added. “I’m stoked.” Kyoko wondered if the trial would be as easy and enjoyable as the others did. One could only hope so, at least. Only time would tell… Or, at least the next chapter would tell.
My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Two
Bang! Bang! Bang! “Order in the court!” The judge, a stocky older man with distinct Mayan features, was ready to begin Sayaka’s criminal trial.
“The trial of Sayaka Miki shall now proceed,” he boomed.
“I will read the charges,” said the bailiff, the black cop from “The Amanda Show”.
“Eight counts of murder in the first degree, four counts of murder in the second degree, one thousand two hundred and thirty-four counts of murder in the third degree, three counts of extortion, nine counts of bribery, two counts of treason against Japan, one count of espionage for Estonia, nine thousand and one counts of arson, thirty counts of aggravated assault, eight hundred forty-nine counts of aggravated battery, and one count of public indecency.”
“I now present the defendant, Sayaka Miki, and her attorney.” Out stepped Sayaka with another woman, one who looked to be in her early twenties. She seemed to exude confidence, but her crazy-weird hair was very distracting, Kyoko noted.
“I am the defense attorney, Nanoha Takamachi,” the woman stated.
The judge continued. “I now present the plaintiff, humanity, and its attorney.” The white ol’ devil cat muskrat thing, dressed in a schnazzy suit and coat, walked up to the stand.
“I am the offense attorney, Kyubey,” he said. “And I will be arguing the case for Ms. Miki’s conviction.” Nanoha and Kyubey eyed each other fiercely, and the competitive spirit between them had an almost tangible spark. This was going to be an intense trial, Kyoko knew. She needed some popcorn, and quick. So she stood up and walked out to the lobby of the courtroom. She went to the concessions bar and slammed a coin down with a loud clang.
“A popcorn, please,” she demanded politely, flashing her fang just in case her assertiveness was too subtle. The cashier handed her a large bag of buttery delight. She took it and went on her way, already a fourth of the way through with eating it all. The minute or two she missed of the trial was just more dumb legal jargon the author couldn’t care to research, so she coincidentally returned just in time for the best part; the trial’s commencement.
“How do you plead, Ms. Miki?” the judge asked in an explosion of command.
“No…pff…No contest,” she replied, failing to keep a straight face while saying it. She giggled a bit, but coughed to cover it up.
“Alright then,” the judge said in a voice that resonated absolutely. “Lets us begin the trial. Opening statements. Defendant?”
Nanoha cleared her throat. “I represent the Magical Girl Defense Fund; we are a non-profit organization advocating equal rights and fairness to all young girls gifted with supernatural abilities and tasked with fighting evil, intentionally done or inadvertently chosen. Cases like these are depressingly common; a hero being possessed by the evil force against which they fight and doing heinous acts as a result is unfortunate, but happens to many a magical girl on a near-daily basis. Though her crimes were terrible, Ms. Miki was not at fault for what she did. Instead, we should be prosecuting the true fiends, the evils that possessed her in the first place!”
Kyubey’s expression remained unchanged even after this strong opening from his opponent. His confidence was just as high as ever in his refute. “Being the creator of the soul gems, I know how they work. Turning into a witch is not being possessed. It is merely an augmentation of the sorrow a magical girl already has. Boom.”
The judge was decidedly powerful in his verdict. “Ah, so it is 100% certain that it was technically her fault. Ms. Miki is found guilty of all charges, then. She is sentenced to death. Bring out the dancing lobsters!” Sayaka was still laughing about the “no contest joke” but most others were weeping openly. Kyoko was balling her eyes out, knowing that she would never again be able to tap–
Suddenly Madoka pointed her finger with an intense passion. “OBJECTION!” The crustaceans subsided. Everyone gasped.
“The biggest fault in this whole procession is that Sayaka cannot be tried at all! I never read her her Miranda Rights!”
“Oh,” the judge said with an explosive fury. “Then she’s free to go. Bye.” Sayaka broke free from her chains and hugged Madoka tightly.
“Thank you!” Sayaka yelled. “Thank you for bending the law to suit your every whim! You’re the best sheriff ever!” Kyoko was overjoyed that Sayaka was free. Though she did wonder… Were the Miranda Rights even a thing in Mexico…?
“Ah, so now we can move on to the next phase,” Homura said. “Planning for the wedding. The part that matters.”
“Yeah, and we can do it over tea and ramen!” Kyoko added.
And so they would.
My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Three
Dressed in traditional kimonos, the servers of the teahouse were brimming with a quiet boldness that impressed Kyoko as she and the three other magical girls entered. Madoka took off her sombrero and placed it on the rack. Homura sat down in a nearby booth, Sayaka and Kyoko followed close behind. One of the kimono waitresses waved peacefully as a silent greeting, and Madoka waved back just as excitedly as always. They exchanged bows as Homura scooted over to make room for her fiance.
The server eyed the blinding rainbow that was these patrons and their diverse hair colors, then turned and briskly walked off. Kyoko raised an eyebrow. Madoka noticed her and winked.
“Don’t worry, Kyoko,” Madoka said. “This teahouse is special in that the servers take one look at you and order for you based on what they think you’d want. It’s astonishingly accurate 78% of the time.*” Mdoka giggled adorably, and Kyoko blushed as she watched her smile brighten. It- Wait.
“Wait. What’s with the asterisk?” Kyoko asked.
Madoka’s smile disappeared, and she groaned loudly. “…Based on a Gallup poll conducted over the course of August 4th and September 8th, 2013, using the results of 2983 respondents between the ages of 11 and 97. Pollers were contacted by phone using random selection from the complete reservation history of the restaurant, taking out multiples of the same customer or customers confirmed to be deceased. Of the over 5000 called, 2017 either did not respond or refused to answer the survey questions. Of those that did… …..Do I really have to tell you the whole asterisk??” She was completely out of breath at this point.
Kyoko was.. Well, she didn’t know. She simply nodded. “Uh, yeah. I got it. 78%. Lots of poll stuff.”
“(Plus or minus three percentage points.)”
Sayaka, who had been staring off into space for the past several minutes with no indication of real thought, slammed her fist into the table with no warning, her eyes coming into complete focus, just like the moment of clarity for any decent Victorian-era novel protagonist.
“Madoka!” she shouted with shocking ferocity. “Remember that one Hitomi chick who used to hang with us? What happened to her?”
At this, Sayaka suddenly lost her train of thought. She spotted noticed the server returning, carrying a tray of multicolored food and drink items, and began staring once again. Madoka looked at Homura and Kyoko and shrugged.
“Here is your food.” The maid set the tray on their table and bowed. “Arigatou, ikimasu wa genki.” This nonsensical Japanese reminded Kyoko that they were in Mexico and this teahouse here was actually completely out of place. She ignored this fact immediately afterwards, and never thought about it again.
Kyoko got what was apparently a “Chocolate Ramen Smoothie.” It certainly LOOKED edible, but the name didn’t inspire much confidence in that regard… Even so, she chowed down on her meal, looking like a feral hyena compared to the others. Madoka nibbled on her candy-colored burrito, Sayaka sipped on her salad stew soda, and Homura took the occasional crunch of her pantsu panini. Yeah… it was pretty good. Actually, really good. Fantastic, even. Like all the greatest foods in the universe, combined into one delicious… combo. Damn, it felt good to be part of the 78%. Could make an awesome T-shirt out of that, you know… Occupy Maid Cafe, and all that…
“So,” Homura said, still less than halfway through with her food.
“So,” said Madoka.
“So,” said Sayaka, who was probably only saying this to defy the Rule of Three.
“So, um,” Kyoko said before it got out of hand. “Are we actually going to discuss the wedding here today? Because these reservations were not exactly cheap, and-”
“Probably not,” Homura interrupted, like usual. “We will do it offscreen so as not to spoil the surprise. Anyway, this chapter feels like it is about to end soon, so we couldn’t anyway.”
“How soon?” Kyoko asked.