Madoka’s Birthday Wish
Sayaka Miki was kicking back in her lawn chair on the deck of her hotel room. Sunbathing in a penthouse wasn’t most peoples’ ideal vacation activity, but Sayaka enjoyed her time pretending she wasn’t recovering from a hangover. Plus, since it overlooked the beautiful city of Leipzig, she could get most of her sightseeing done here and now. Ah, it was peaceful. None of the hustle and bustle of the city, at least this far up in the sky. No bad guys to clobber, no stupid boys that do nothing but cause romantic subplots, and most of all no limit to the amount of beer.
Because she was working on a classified job that was definitely not spying on Germany for Estonia, she had an all-expenses paid trip for an indefinite amount of time. So she was making the absolute most of these last few weeks, before she had to go back to Japan and finish school, which was stupid. She saved the friggin’ world like five times, but her parents want her to “get a good education” so she could “go to a good school and find a nice-paying, normal job”. Sure, there hadn’t been any attacks since Kyubey was defeated way back when, but being a magical girl still had many uses! Like… beating people up. She… She wished there were more witches to defeat. It was awfully lonely wandering the world for a foreign nation’s benefit, and that was the only way she could get out of school anymore.
“Hey Göre!” a voice shouted from inside the hotel room. Sayaka did a signature SHAFT head-tilt and looked behind her chair. It was Asuka Langley Soryu. She was Sayaka’s next door neighbor, visiting Germany for a few weeks just like Sayaka. They met on good terms but she quickly realized that this girl was a total jerk. She was loud, crude, and constantly barged into Sayaka’s room without even the slightest warning beforehand. The NERV of that woman…
For some reason she reminded Sayaka of someone, but she couldn’t quite place her finger on it… Well, it didn’t really matter. It was just really annoying that she couldn’t leave her alone. Sayaka was sure this would develop into a romantic subplot were this story any longer than a one-shot, but alas.
Sayaka got up from her chair and folded it up, handing it to Asuka. “Put this up for me, will ya?” she asked, walking towards the kitchen area. Asuka looked at the chair with confusion and kind of just placed it on top of the bed. That reminded Sayaka, she really needed to make her bed more often. It was really embarrassing to have guests see it in that shape, even unwelcome ones. Too late now though. She grabbed a carton of orange juice out of the fridge and poured it into a tiny hotel glass. “Why are you here, anyway?”
“I need some beer, and I know you have some.” It was an honest answer, at least.
“Nope, all gone. I drank the last of it last night.” This was not an honest answer. Number one rule: Nobody touches Sayaka’s alcohol. Even someone as stupid as Ms. Soryu here should have known that.
“Liar Liar, pants on Jim Carrey!” she sang.
Sayaka finished drinking the orange juice and looked at the empty glass. There was a tiny bit of residue lining the cup– easily washable, and yet– Sayaka began to stare into her glass, completely mesmerized by such a simple little cup. Once she snapped back into reality, she realized her right cheek hurt. Asuka stood directly in front of her. Oh, she was slapped. That made sense.
“Are we going to do anything, or what?!” Asuka asked demandingly. Somehow.
“I uhh…” Sayaka trailed off. “What day is it?”
Asuka turned into Lindsay Lohan for a few moments. “Ah, today’s… October 3rd, I think… Yeah, that’s it.” Sayaka dropped her glass, and it fell in slow motion until it hit the ground and shattered. The camera resumed 1:1 speed. Thanks, Zack Snyder.
“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” Sayaka grabbed Asuka’s collar in an over-the-top manner.
“Oh.” Sayaka put her down, and went over to the cabinet to fetch a dustpan and clean the glass from the floor. “Yeah, this is really bad.”
“Why?” Asuka was very puzzled.
“My friend Madoka’s birthday is today. I promised I’d be there to get her some shit and meet her in person. But I completely forgot. And she lives in friggin’ Mexico City!”
“Ooh, that’s pretty far distance,” she said.
Sayaka finished gathering up all the glass and dumped it into the trashcan. “Well, you wanna do something exciting today?”
“This…Hm.” Asuka pondered this for a moment. “Yep. Let’s do it.”
“Ha, what did you expect me to do today anyway?”
“Go out with me and get more drinks. Like we do pretty much every day.” It was true. Sayaka was a raging alcoholic, but she didn’t want to fix this until after her vacation was over. Therapy in Germany seemed a little too intense for her.
“We can do that too, don’t worry,” Sayaka patted her on the back. “Now let’s go get Mrs. Kaname the greatest birthday present we can find in this damned country.”
They burst out the door, fully dressed in magical girl and EVA armor, and somersaulted into the elevator. Sayaka hit her head on the handrail, but that was okay! She couldn’t let a little excruciating pain get in the way of presents! Asuka pressed the large 1 button, and the elevator descended. Some jamming tunes were playing, contrary to what you’d expect in any elevator ever. It was Luminous, the hit song by American pop artist Tina Yammoh, a song so well-made that even the most die-hard music critic had to appreciate it. If only those dumb bands like ClariS and Kalafina back in Japan could learn how to make art like her, Japan’d be happy forever.
Sayaka skipped over the next few minutes in her mind, because nothing of interest happened that was good material for a joke, and she didn’t want this story to stretch on too long. This was a one-shot, after all, not a full-on spinoff! They hopped into Asuka’s car and sped onto the Autobahn.
Pure adrenaline drilled its way into Sayaka’s heart. Like the Gurren Lagann character she was always meant to be, she clenched both of her fists and punched the air with her right one. “Rock the hell on!” She shouted.
“Shut the hell up,” Asuka said as she pushed her fist out of the way. “I’m trying to not wreck.” While Asuka was a German, she spent most of her adolescence in Japan and thus was not well adapted to these insane driving conditions. Sayaka knew this because basically all she did in Germany the past 2 weeks was hang out with this girl. Anyway, Sayaka loved the speed of the autobahn. Even if Asuka sucked at driving it, going 200 miles per hour felt exhilarating in an indescribable way. Indescribable only because the author had never been on an Autobahn before. It was so irresistible that she had to do it– She stuck her head out the window and let her tongue fly loose. It was a beautiful act, but only lasted for a couple moments before Asuka yanked her back in.
Sayaka stuck her now very dry tongue out at her, but was ignored. “Anyway where we goin’?” she asked.
“To the country. I know a guy. He can get you what you need.”
“But… What DO I need?” Sayaka had no idea what Madoka wanted. It had been a pretty long while since the last time they talked, so this was going to be the hardest birthday yet to pick out anything for.
“You’ll see,” Asuka said in a Homura-like fashion. “You’ll see.” Sayaka suddenly realized she missed Homura. Not that she ever actually existed in the first place, but she was always the voice of logic and reason in the group, and the one who made all their plans work out. Sure, it was just a convoluted plot to turn everyone into witches, but it was good back then at least.
A few minutes later, they were off the autobahn and, just like Asuka said, on a dingy country road. The entire scene now seemed reminiscent of every single deserted rural area set in Europe in any movie, and she expected at any moment to be fired upon by Nazis or otherwise attacked by Heebers Jeebers or whatever stupid horror monster lurked in these parts. Wait, didn’t Der Grossmann used to hunt dudes in places like these? Instead of freaking out like Kyoko would, Sayaka instead pulled out a flask of whiskey and downed it. Ah, much better. This flask was also a half gallon.
Once Sayaka woke up from Asuka pinching her arm, she realized they had pulled into the driveway of a small house. She used her magical girl powers to heal her hangover, and smiled at her companion. “I’m ready,” she said. Asuka nodded and they both stepped out. Sayaka immediately noticed the distinct smell of smoke. She took another look at the house and realized it was on fire. Oh no! With a burst of magical girl speed, she dashed over to the house and began frantically searching for any trapped people. …No? Nobody? Ugh, what an ally of justice she was. She sulked out of the house and saw Asuka, still standing next to the car. She was giving her a half-cocked smirk, making her face more punchable than Fred Savage. The girl merely pointed towards Sayaka’s left, where two silhouettes, one tall and one very short, stood solemnly.
“Sayaka, go over there with me,” she said. They walked over to these two individuals, and Sayaka gasped. Beside the one, pretty boring-looking dude, was… a giant robot. Sayaka hugged this robot on sight because it was simply too wondrous not to.
“Uhh….” The robot stammered. “Why are you…?”
Asuka answered. “I need you to come with us, robot guy.”
“But I can’t,” he said. “I’m with my brother, and we’re symbolically burning down our old house to–”
“Sorry bro,” Asuka said. “We need you for a birthday present. It’s getting really late, so we can’t wait any longer.”
“Oh, that changes everything then,” the other guy said sarcastically. “Who the hell do you think we are, anyway?”
“Not Kamina and Simon,” Sayaka said. “So don’t use that line.” She used her magical girl super-strength and picked the robot up. She ran to the car and tossed him in. The other guy didn’t even bother stopping her. Asuka waved goodbye to him, hopped into the driver’s seat, and backed out into the road. They drove back onto the country road, now much more scary considering it was dark.
“Why are you doing this to me?” the robot asked.
“I need a birthday present,” Sayaka said.
“Can I go back…”
They drove for a few more hours before finally getting back onto the autobahn. It was nearly midnight now, and almost October 4th! Sayaka needed to get this robot to Madoka, and fast!
“We need something faster than a plane, biene,” she said to Asuka. “We won’t reach there by midnight otherwise!”
“Number one,” Asuka began. “Timezones.” Ugh, thanks for killing all the tension there. “Number two, I have something much better than a plane.” Almost on cue, friggin’ Unit-03 burst out from under the road. It flew itself over to the side, and Asuka jumped the car off the road. Sayaka grabbed the robot as they three jumped out of the car and into the Eva. Now THAT was style.
The Evangelion flew at breakneck speeds (literally breakneck. Sayaka learned this from firsthand experience trying to do the dog thing again) towards the west. It was like they were on some sort of journey, though they had no monks or monkeys to speak of.
“What a lame reference,” Asuka said, somehow able to read Sayaka’s mind. Whatever.
It only took an hour for them to reach Mexico, where it was still the middle of the day. Sayaka fist pumped and hopped out of the Eva, landing right on top of Madoka’s house, which was still that dumb fort. She cut a hole through the top with her awesome scimitar and landed in the living room. Madoka and Kyoko were sitting on the couch watching Mucha Lucha reruns (It was Mexico’s only cartoon, so you can’t blame them), and apparently didn’t even hear the loud crashing sound.
“Uh, guys?” Sayaka asked loudly to draw their attention. Kyoko turned around, looked at the chunk of ceiling on the floor, and rolled her eyes. She took her arm off Madoka’s shoulder and got up from the couch.
“Why?” She asked simply.
“Wait for it…” Sayaka said. Beat. (What, that doesn’t work in prose? Sorry. ‘There was an awkward silence.’ Is that better?) “Wait for it….” The robot crashed in from the ceiling, creating a hole adjacent to the one Sayaka made, rather than using the same hole. Kyoko growled. Asuka dropped down just after.
Madoka got up at this point and looked wearily at Sayaka. “What are you doing here?”
Sayaka held out her hands and presented the robot. “Happy birthday!!!!!” Madoka blinked a few times. “…It’s a robot.” Madoka finally smiled and hugged Sayaka.
“Thanks,” she said. She let go and stepped over to the robot, who waved hi. “And who are you supposed to be?”
“I’m… your birthday present I think.”
“And you came all the way from Germany to be the present?”
“Something like that?”
“Well, I’ll make sure you get home safe and sound, is that alright?”
“Yes thank you.” The robot was very calm through this whole mess of events, Sayaka noticed. He must have been programmed well. Anyway, Sayaka shook hands with Kyoko and presented Asuka to her.
“Look Kyoko,” she said. “This is Asuka. She is a person who also likes the color red.” Kyoko and Asuka awkwardly stared at each other for several moments.
“So are you Sayaka’s… girlfriend?” Kyoko asked.
Asuka raised an eyebrow. “Um, no?”
“Oh. Well then, I’m sorry you got roped into her shenanigans. Here’s a drink.” She handed the girl a Morning Rescue, and did the same to Sayaka. “Make yourselves at home. Well, at least the part of home that still has a roof over it.”
“Oops,” Sayaka said.
“By the way, you never paid for that carpet to be fixed either. I hope your trip to Germany proves financially beneficial…” Kyoko patted Sayaka on the back, but did so just hard enough that it was meant to be threatening.
The five of them now kind of just stood there.
“Now what?” Asuka asked.
“I guess we just end the story?” Sayaka said.
“Well,” Madoka said. “I guess this will be a memorable birthday after all.” She smiled into the camera and waved. The wave was also a transitional pan into the credits.
The End or something. I guess? Wow this story sucked. CARIBBEAN RIM is still coming though.