Kuttsukiboshi x Madoka Magica: Prelude to Caribbean Rim
Madoka stared the bartender down, (magical) pistol aimed right at the woman’s chest. The bartender held no gun in return, but instead cleaned a wineglass with her dishrag and her flattest expression.
“You’re not going anywhere, Miss…” Madoka was trying to say something badass, but she forgot where she was going with it. “Miss… Bartender. You’re going down.”
The bartender did not respond, and instead set the now-clean wineglass down, picking up another one. Madoka scowled at her and tightened her grip on the (magical) pistol.
“Are you deaf?” Madoka asked. “If so, I’ll sign it out for you.” With her left hand, Madoka waved her hand around like she was swatting a gnat away. “You see? now step aside.”
The bartender set down her next glass and met Madoka’s eyes. “You still have the safety on,” she said.
Madoka quickly rectified that and then pointed the gun at the bar. She shot it, breaking one of the wine glasses. “I was just testing you! But now it’s not going to be so easy for you, huh?”
At this, the bartender swatted Madoka’s right hand, forcing her to drop the (magical) pistol. With her other hand, the bartender slapped Madoka across the face, before catching the (magical) pistol in the air, spinning it, and setting it underneath the bar. Madoka went backwards a few feet from the shock of being slapped; everyone in the bar was now staring at her (though they were ignoring her when she was pointing the gun at the bartender because, seriously, it’s Mexico).
“You’re… such a dick!” Madoka yelled. “I just want another glass…” She staggered back towards the bar. “It’s like… my birthday, you know!”
“You’ve had enough for tonight, Mrs. Kaname,” the bartender said.
Madoka reached out at the bartender, like she wanted to attack her… and then collapsed on the ground before she took her second step. She was sound asleep.
The bartender dialed a number on her rotary phone. “Hello? Yes, again. Sorry about that. Yes, she’ll be here for you to pick her up. You’re welcome. Goodbye.”
Sayaka sat in the passenger’s seat of the (Mexican-produced) car, as Kyoko drove in silence. Madoka laid in the back seat, and she was completely out. The coldest of outs.
“Damn,” Sayaka muttered as she looked at Madoka. That girl knew how to over-drink. Kyoko heard Sayaka and turned to her. She didn’t glare, but Sayaka knew she probably shouldn’t have said that out loud. “Uh, sorry. I just… man, I thought I was the one who liked my alcohol.”
Kyoko didn’t say anything, or turn her head this time; she just kept her eyes on the road. “That bad, huh?” Sayaka asked. “I’m really sorry about it.”
“It’s fine,” Kyoko answered. “Thanks for coming with me.”
“Ah, yeah, you’re welcome! Maybe we can just go out and have a girls’ day sometime soon. It’ll get you to stop worrying about, uh, the lame stuff.”
Kyoko and Sayaka and Madoka returned home to the Kaname Fort in the middle of the desert. Sayaka said her goodbyes, and just hoped that Madoka would be able to wake up in the morning and eat that cake Kyoko had been spending all day on.
Madoka Kaname, Sheriff of Mexico, stood in front of a high-tech holographic projection screen thingie. At the conference table in front of her was Sayaka Miki, Kyoko Kaname, Crispina Gonzales, Asuka Langley Soryuu Miki, and cute little Nagisa Momoe (she was currently twenty years old and six feet three inches tall), all waiting for whatever she had to say.
Except Madoka forgot what she was going to say already. Damn, she had a really bad headache right now, too… Kyoko seemed to notice her lack of doing anything at all and got up, standing beside her.
“Sorry, she’s not feeling well,” Kyoko said. “Why don’t you sit down, Madoka?” Madoka shrugged and complied. She grabbed a Morning Rescue from a cooler and hoped it would, er, rescue her this morning…
“So are we gonna get to anything soon?” Sayaka asked, clearly about to start spacing out extremely soon. If they didn’t hurry, they would lose her completely, which happened more often than anyone liked to admit.
“Yeah, yeah, my apologies,” Kyoko said. “Okay, so we’re supposed to brief everyone on the current status of Operation Magical Girl, as we do every month.”
“Which one was that?” Sayaka asked in her absentmindedness, allowing for the readers to get some easy and organic exposition about what they missed in the gap between “Once Upon a Time in Madoka” and this story here.
“It’s our only current Operation, Sayaka,” Kyoko said. “How do you not remember?”
“I leave the remembering to Asuka,” she answered. It was true.
“Well, for the one person who doesn’t remember, we are currently trying to recruit as many magical girls to our cause as possible, and train the next generation of peacekeepers all across Mexico, and eventually the world. We now have a large number magical girls in our ranks, though most of them are pure newbies. So we are trying to find people to join our ranks, as well as people to help train the girls we recruit.”
Kyoko took a pack of Reese’s Pieces out of her pocket and began eating them. The conference room went silent as everyone waited for her to finish. Madoka put her head down, trying to get her headache to go away.
Finally, Kyoko finished and continued. “Okay, so to continue. Counting those of us in here, we have five magical girls who are adequately trained, and also El Guante for some reason because I guess he’s a good guy now. So that is literally just the people in this room, and El Guante.”
Asuka raised her hand. “Hey, um, you know that I’m still here, and you guys never made me a magical girl, right? I always wanted to be one…”
Sayaka then raised her hand. “How do we make magical girls without Kyubey anyway? It makes no sense.”
Kyoko raised her hand. “Hey, guess what? Shut up so we can keep talking about the report.” Everyone put their hands down. “Thank you. In addition to our extremely small roster of trained magical girls, we have recruited sixty-six new magical girls in the past twelve months, somehow, and none of which have received enough training to be able to operate on their own. This is a very bad thing for us. So uhh… I don’t know what Madoka was going to say after this. Madoka?”
Madoka, head still on the table, gave a thumbs up. “Good going so far, Kyoko.”
“I dunno, ask people for ideas.”
Kyoko looked around at everyone. “Okay, well… Does anyone want to give any ideas on how to fix our predicament?
Asuka once again raised her hand. “Make me a friggin’ magical girl already! That or give me a giant robot to pilot.”
“Noted,” Kyoko said. “Anyone else? Uhh… what about you guys, Crispina and Nagisa? You haven’t said anything yet.”
Crispina shook her head. “I don’t have anything to suggest.” She was usually pretty silent, though she was also usually pretty grumpy, so it was hard to tell if she actually had nothing to suggest or if she was being sarcastic about all the time-wasting that had been going on.
Little cutesy Nagisa stood up (and was then taller than anyone else in the room by far) and hopped with excitement. “I have a plan!” Which coincidentally is the title of the first song in Michael Guy Bowman’s newest album, “Hush”, which you can listen to on his Bandcamp page today.
“Oh yeah?” Kyoko seemed impressed by Nagisa’s enthusiasm.
“Yeah! We should bring Homura and Mami back to life so they can join us!”
Everyone in the room froze. Even Madoka looked up in confusion.
Sayaka burst out laughing. “What?”
Nagisa sat back down and huffed. “Well, I thought it was a good idea…”
Kyoko raised her finger and stopped for a moment. “Actually… “
“You can’t be seriously considering that, can you?” Sayaka asked her. “What, did you accidentally eat a pot brownie or something? Or on purpose eat a pot brownie or something?”
“Shut up Sayaka,” Kyoko said. “And yes, Nagisa’s idea sounds insane, but… Homura would be a very valuable addition to our team.”
“Except the fact that Homura never existed in the first place,” Sayaka said. “She was just a transformation of Kyubey used to fool us into almost getting the world blown up at Madoka’s wedding. Like, this is one of the most important plot twists in this series. Not only was she actually Kyubey, but she didn’t even have time travel abilities in the first place to help us out. Or, maybe she did but didn’t use them like she said she did. Or something. Yeah, I stopped trying to figure out the continuity there midway through ‘Madoka’s Birthday Wish.’”
Suddenly, Madoka stood up with all the vigor she had been lacking before. The Morning Rescue seemed to be working after all. “Then that’s why we won’t get back the Homura from this universe… We’ll travel to another universe and get the Homura from there!!”
Everyone gasped. Madoka closed her eyes, smiled, and tried to pretend that her hangover was gone despite the pounding headache.
“No, no, stop.” Madoka opened her eyes and saw Asuka shouting. “You can’t just move onto the next chapter like that! You just had this insane idea to travel to another UNIVERSE with no explanations for how to do it, or really much of any justification for doing it in the first place. It makes no sense! You can’t just go to the next chapter like that. Why would anyone want to keep reading?”
Everyone stared at Asuka blankly. Sayaka, sitting next to her flicked her on the cheek. “Are you okay?” she asked her.
“If you need a break or something, feel free to use the restroom or go get a soda or something like that,” Kyoko said.
“I, uh…” Asuka stammered. “No, I’m good. Keep going, Madoka.”
“Alright,” Madoka said. She closed her eyes and smiled again. They were finally going to do something extraordinary, and she felt so excited.
Madoka walked into the training hall of the Magical Girl HQ, which was aptly named because it was the place where all of the magical girls in Mexico went to mix and mingle and improve their skills. Right now, several interesting OCs and blatant recolors were performing warm-up exercise as their teacher, the reformed villain El Guante, instructed them.
“Hey El Guante,” Madoka said, waving.
El Guante raised his machine gun/hand and waved back. They had their spats in the past, like when she pursued him all across the country and he shot her in the knee and all that fun stuff, but… he was okay now. Kind of. She tried to pay attention to something else before she got the urge to attack him again (It happened about once a week already).
Behind her were her friends and comrades Sayaka and Nagisa. Sayaka had Magical Girl Trainee inspection duty for today, so she was supposed to be here anyway, but Nagisa was here to meet with Madoka because she was just as overeager as she was tall. And there she stood, bright, ready, and dressed in her cute orange magical girl outfit. Madoka almost felt embarrassed she was still in her sweatclothes. Not enough to care though.
“Yo Madoka,” Sayaka said. She had a clipboard in her hands, and she was supposed to be filling out how the trainees were performing and all that, though Madoka was sure she filled it all out in advance, complete with meticulous detail in order to look like it was legitimate. Sayaka put a lot of work into slacking off, you know. “Where are we headed?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,” Madoka said. “We’re going to my lab!”
Nagisa cocked her head to the right. “You have a lab?”
“Uh, I made it last night. It’s nothing special.” Another pink-haired magical girl walked by towards the vending machine against the wall. Her magical girl outfit looked almost exactly like Madoka’s back when she was a middle schooler, and if she had her hair tied in pigtails, she’d probably be a very suspicious doppelganger, but luckily, she had it in twintails. Very unique. Man, there were actually several trainees that had pink hair and frilly costumes. It was as if nobody outside the main cast could have any amount of originality but into them whatsoever…
“Hello? Madoka? Anyone home?” Sayaka was waving a hand in front of Madoka’s head.
“Oh, sorry.” She must have zoned out there for a moment. “But yeah, step inside my office,” she said, bowing and presenting her lab. She felt like this was really lame and not funny at all and immediately regretted it.
The three of them walked into the lab and saw… a table with a bunch of papers stacked on top of it. That was about it.
“Uhh….” Sayaka said.
“Uhh…” Nagisa said. “Good job so far!” Sigh, Nagisa.
“I’m trying to science the shit out of this,” Madoka said, trying desperately to be as cool as Mark Watney from The Martian. “But no luck so far.”
“Using science to travel to an alternate universe and save Homura?” Sayaka rubbed her chin. “Why?”
“Because science is so awesome!!” Madoka looked at the camera, winked, and gave a thumbs up. She continually felt like she was making a fool of herself at every turn but was unable to stop herself.
“But can’t you just use magic or something? I feel like that’d be easier to travel with the ambiguous and convenient powers of magical girl magic.”
“That feels like… cheating?”
“But do any of us know enough about quantum mechanics to build a transuniversal engine without the power of magic?” Nagisa asked with a quizzical and innocent expression.
The three of them stood in silence. Madoka bowed her sombrero in sadness. “You’re… right. Then I guess… it’s settled. We’ll… use magic to transverse the multiverse…” she shed a single manly tear.
Science was awesome… but magic was cool too she guessed…