Inane and Stupid

Inane and Stupid

This is a story that was written in collaboration with a friend of mine who wishes to be designated as “Traindick McIronpunch”. I hope you very much enjoy it.

 

Inane and Stupid

 

It was another hot day in July for Wizards star Michael Jordan as he walked down the pathways of existence, contemplating why he was a human being and not a star, like he felt deep within his heart– nay, his soul. His very being called out to the stars, like he was one of them. And yet he was not one, because he was a human being on the planet Earth, far away from any star except the measly yellow sun named Sol. What could one human being possibly do in the expanse of the universe, even a human being like Michael Jordan, do compared to even one single star? Not much.

Abruptly, Michael Jordan realized that it was 2015 and he wasn’t actually on the Wizards anymore. Woe took his soul; was he even still alive? Public opinion didn’t care about him outside his role in Space Jam, and even that was enjoyed ironically. Existential numbness shook Michael to his core. The starfathers would not be happy about this.

All of this would be fine, but his starmate (like a soulmate, but with stars) found out about his Ashley Madison account. Michael kicked himself; his starmate wouldn’t even have found out if he didn’t post a screenshot of his browser history on instagram. One ‘how 2 delete ur ashley madison’ search later and he was in the doghouse.

All of a sudden, aliens descended from on high.

“Jaystar,” they spake.

“Oh my good giddy gracious, it’s aliens! From the stars! And they know my starsona!” Little did MJ know, he was being pranked by furries.

“Jaystar, you alone are needed to save the universe,” the furries said. “We have been watching you and are prepared to take you to the birthplace of the cosmos to crown you as star king, but first you must defeat the lord of ancient evil: Count “Isaac Newton” Evildark of the Antimatter clan.”

MJ was too excited to notice that the so-called aliens were reading verbatim from the fanfiction diary he kept under his pillow. He looked at the furries and said only one thing: “Face it, tigers (and wolves and rabbits), you’ve just hit the jackpot.”

And so it was.

 

FOUR YEARS LATER

 

Michael woke up in the crypt a changed man. After three years of searching and six months of exploring, he finally found the heart of the labyrinth, an underground catacomb stretching thirteen miles wide. The starlords of antioch promised he would find the accoutrements of kingship somewhere in this dank space, but he found nothing.

It was then that the furries revealed themselves.

 

A thousand fursuit-wearing plebs stood up in harmony. Michael had even walked on some without noticing. They pressed together, crushing the mighty man under their stinking, sweaty weight. As the fur pile grew larger and larger, Michael began to assimilate. Seven years later, he emerged from the catacombs a new man; he had crystallized into a furdiamond, an eternal mind-host of the furries. He joined hands with his nine fellow furdiamonds and ascended into hell.

 

ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER

 

Jessica Pinkman was a normal girl. She went to her 9-5 job every weekday, watched the latest television shows, and used social media regularly to complain and rejoice about the happenings in her normal life, with her normal family and normal existence.

 

ELEVEN YEARS LATER

 

The being once known as Michael Jordan arrived in Hell with ambitions. Those ambitions were immediately made known as he, now the furdiamond known as Gjih’ghgi Anderson, began his assault on the realm, making his way through the Nine Circles, starting from the top, and ravaging the populations until his ultimate goal of destroying Satan himself.

His weapons?

A cat o’ nine tails the size of a galaxy, an electric yo-yo, a stuffed pink kitty named Liliput, and the sheer creeping horror all furries produce but cranked up to eleven…. million.

His enemies?

The demons of hell, all of whom opposed the universe’s true evil: not the angels, not the humans, but the furries, rose up to fight them. They were extra-dimensional soulsuckers whose animalistic urges defiled the gods of this world merely by existing.

Satan’s days were numbered. (Granted there was no time in hell, it’s neverending torment that all technically exists in a single infinite point in time, but it was actually not too bad until the furries arrived. 10 furdiamonds, clad in their strongest yiffsteel, crossed the Acheron and laid waste to the denizens of hell.)

Gjih’ghgi wasted no time in slaying his foes. Virgil? Decapitated within an instant. Dido? Fell off the circle she stood on and plummeted down into eternity. Every shade was either erased from existence or destroyed as the furries met with them. It would be gruesome if the people they were killing still had physical forms; alas, they did not.

Odysseus, turned into a demon for some reason, was armed to the teeth with sharp fangs all over his body, and a trillion bleeding pores covered his body. He roared out, hoping to paralyze the aggressors with fear. However, Gjih’ghgi could no longer be intimidated, because his merger with all other furries gave him the insight of the darkest realms of the primordial cognizance of five hundred billion years of intelligent life in Universe B-Gamma-F. He eviscerated the former Greek hero, and did so to the point that he retroactively changed the man’s name to Ulysses.

With this, Gjih’ghgi was given a new name by the demons who he faced against: Ti. This was the single syllable they needed to use to express their sheer reverence in the awe of the mighty destroyer that ascended into Hell, and then descended into it in a conquerous wrath.

He yiffed with every single demon in the sixth circle.

 

ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER

 

But, one day, Jessica discovered she loved her dog a bit too much. She discovered furry websites, furry support groups, furry forums. Thus an outside, for the first time, overcame their disgust for furrykind. The first furdiamond was born, not with a bang, but with a whimper as the hivemind imploded in on itself, only to rip a hole in reality and bring forth the god hand to this plane. They condensed these disgusting wastes of flesh into a form suitable for world domination, and silently bode their time.

 

ELEVEN YEARS LATER

 

The ten furdiamonds once more challenged Satan, eternal challengemaster of hell. The furdiamond of ponies let loose his loudest and greatest clop, but Satan wasn’t even fazed. The furdiamond of foxes spoke in hushed, lilting tones, intending to bring the bongmasters of bushland up from the depths, but Satan squelched them with a sound.

One by one each furdiamond let loose their greatest yiff technique, but Satan was formidable enough to withstand every one. At last, it came down to Gjih’ghgi: his cat o’ nine tails was useless (having long since morphed into a lasso), the yo-yo out of AA batteries. Only his plush cat was left, but if the furdiamond of (small) cats (not to be confused with the furdiamond of big cats) couldn’t defeat Satan, how could the being once known as Michael Jordan?

Satan laughed. He knew that no recently-birthed furdiamond could destroy him. He was a little worried at first because he didn’t know which furdiamond Ghij’ghgi was, but surely he had no more tricks up his sleeve.

“You lost, furries,” said Satan.

“But have we?” said Ghij’ghgi. “This isn’t even my FINAL form!”

And for a million billion years, or perhaps an instant, something changed in Ghij’ghgi’s molecular structure. Fur-nanites reconstructed his entire being, and he stood before Satan in his TRUE form: the fur diamond of both bugs AND bunnies.

“Here’s what you forgot, Satan: I’m the half-breed cross between the two greatest furdiamonds. Both of my elements fuck more than anything else!” And with one mighty “what’s up, doc?” he obliterated Satan and most of Earth in the process.

 

SEVEN YEARS EARLIER

 

Michael Jordan, in his cocoon, was at the most dormant element of his mind. However, it was at this point that he began to synthesize his inner being. He mutilated himself daily, ripping apart limbs and flesh, waiting for them to regrow under the embryonic care of the cocoon’s life force. His mind melded closer and closer to the rest of the furdiamonds, but at the same time, he became even more independent within himself.

“It has to end at some point,” Michael told himself. But he could only remember one figure from his past that truly kept him from becoming one with the furdiamonds in an instant, and her name was Lola. The way her hips swayed back and forth and kept Michael Jordan in a trance of humanity… and yet, it was everything he ever wanted in a furry.

He realized, at this moment, that he already was a star. It was him.

His right arm ripped off from his shoulder, and he fed it to himself. He felt like more of a true wolf each passing moment. He was wily, but not a coyote, for he was more dignified, more savage. He could do anything he wanted, as long as he could ravage the landscape, and ravage sexual partners. That was exactly what he would do.

 

SEVEN YEARS LATER

 

The furdiamonds, upon defeating this universe’s only protector, rejoiced: they could finally become one…. And oh, what a one they became.

All furries are linked together through the mindchasms of each furdiamond, and each furdiamond is interconnected through their extra-dimensional sexual organs (of which there were many), but they never truly became one–until today.

 

The furdiamonds became a fur Chaos Emerald, and Super Sonichu was finally born. The people still living on earth became one. The aliens at the center of the galaxy became one. Everything on this entire plane of existence, as well as every other plane out there, became one.

We are all cock. Cock is love. Cock is life. Nothing was spared from the furry menace; all things that were true, all things that were real, became a single cock. And the abyss of nothingness became their zero.

The multiverse fucked, and that is how the big bang came to be.

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