[Election ‘016 044] John Kasich: Kin’iro no Kokoro no Otaku no Seijika

[Election ‘016 044] John Kasich: Kin’iro no Kokoro no Otaku no Seijika

Kasich

“Honey, I’m home!” John Kasich called out, hanging his coat and fedora on the on the rack by the door. “Man, that was some day of campaigning, I’ll tell you what. I’ve had it about up to here with that Donald Trump fella.”

John sniffed the air like a bloodhound. A warm, savory scent flowed from the kitchen. John entered the sweltering room. The heat emanating from the old stove was making him sweat, so John took off his suit jacket and flung it onto the seat of a dining room chair

“Hmmm, that smells delicious. What’s cooking?”

John stood there for a second, listening to the soft ticking of the egg timer on the kitchen counter.

“Oooooh, your Uncle Stouffer’s world famous pot roast, eh?” John chuckled softly to himself. “You are such a kidder, aren’t you?”

The timer ticked on. John inspected the face of the device.

“Hmmm, we have a good half an hour before dinner is done. I’m pretty pooped, I think I’m going to go take a nap… what? Oh, of course I wouldn’t mind if you’d join me babe.” He wrestled his still laced dress shoes off with his feet and kicked them across the room. “I’ll be right up!”

John started to skip toward the bedroom, but he calmed himself down. He had to play it cool, didn’t want to ruin the mood. He snuck up the stairs on the balls of his feet. The second floor hallway was unlit, but a soft orange light flickered through the cracked door to John’s bedroom. John stood nervously outside the door. He breathed on the back of his hand and smelled it. It smelled fine to him, but he popped a couple of Lifesavers in his mouth and hastily crunched them to play on the safe side. His shirt was still wrinkle free and buttoned to the neck. He loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top button, then the next two, but he figured he had to leave something to the imagination, so he buttoned one of them up.

“One sec, babe, sorry!” John unbuttoned his cuffs and untucked his shirt, making him feel thoroughly hunky. He slowly opened the door. “Oh, Asuna-chan.”

The bed was surrounded by a ring of beating candlelight, his path to it paved with a trail of rose petals. On the nightstand was an opened bottle of champagne flanked by two full glasses. And sitting up against the headboard was his darling, sweet Asuna, whose soft auburn hair cascaded down onto her bare shoulders.

“Asuna-chan, you didn’t have to do this all for me. Nothing in life is better than just lying next to you, staring deeply into each other’s eyes as the night wastes away.” John sat next to Asuna and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “You’re all I need, Asuna-chan. You are the light of my life.”

“Aww, sure. We can stay in bed for a little while longer, my love.” John kissed her on the forehead and tried to brush the hair off of her cheek. He snuggled up to her, his head resting on her shoulder, and closed his eyes.

* * *

“Personally, I think Senator Cruz’s plan to deal with ISIS is absurd. Do we really want a man him or Donald Trump with their finger on the button? Do we really want to start World War III when we could easily solve this crisis in Syria and Iraq through other means?” John said.

The timer chimed. “Alright, Mr. Kasich, that is enough about foreign policy for now,” Dana Bash said, flipping to the next cue card. “I’d like to talk-”

“Hold on, Dana,” Ted Cruz interrupted. “I’d like to reply to Mr. Kasich. He invoked my name so I have the right to respond.”

“Senator Cruz, we’re moving on to a different topic. You’ll have plenty of time to get a word in at that point.”

Ted grunted and crossed his arms, but otherwise didn’t speak another word about the issue.

“Mr. Trump, you have recently made some rather inflamatory remarks about a couple… well, most of the candidates up on this stage, but there is one in particular that has been heavily discussed on social media as of late. How can you justify the kind of remarks that you made toward Governor Kasich in one of your recent interviews?”

“Justify them, Dana? Seriously? The guy watches cartoons about magical little girls in skimpy outfits and sleeps with a picture of one of them on his pillow! If you ask me, that’s a real problem. It’s a problem that we live in a nation where we put up with grown men, some of them politicians, who spend their free time doing weird stuff like that. I mean, whatever, I have tons of otaku friends! I’ve been to their weird little weddings to their dolls and stuff! Whatever you do in your own house, eh, fine. But if you’re going to run for president and do stuff like that, I’m gonna call you out on it, plain and simple.”

The timer dinged. All eyes were trained on John Kasich. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, but didn’t say a word.

Chris Christie cleared his throat. “I’d like to say something about this.”

“You have 60 seconds, Governor.”

“You know what? For once, I agree with Mr. Trump. I think we have been humoring this kind of behavior for far too long. Anime has been a scourge upon this nation for decades! While our children and young people could be out there working and or going to college, they’re sitting in their rooms watching their cartoons and kissing their pillows! You know, I was Governor on 9/11 and maybe, just maybe, if one of those anime people would’ve stopped watching anime for a second, they could’ve stopped such a horrible tragedy.”

The people looked back to Kasich, but still he was quiet. A granite monolith weathering the storm of anti-anime hate-speech that was being thrown at him.

“I believe you said I would have time to get a word in, Dana? I couldn’t have gotten more than three or four since this debate started.”

“Go right ahead, Senator Cruz.”

“I could not disagree more with Mr. Trump and Governor Christie because, as many of you may not know, I am an otaku myself. Much like Governor Kasich over here, I spend much of my free time watching anime and, yes, I sleep with a body pillow. But does that make me less of a man? Will the fact that my wife exists in only two dimensions prevent me from firing the entirety of the United States’ nuclear arsenal at Ramadi until it blows a hole clear through to the other side of the planet? Well, elect me and find out. Now, I may entirely support the right of Governor Kasich and all other Americans’ right to partake in anime culture, I can’t say that I agree entirely with some of his choices, such as his waifu. I personally feel that-”

“What the hell did you just say?!” John Kasich slammed his fists on the podium

“Governor Kasich, wait your turn!” Dana said, surprised by the sudden outburst.

“He said my name! I get a chance to reply!”

“Not until Senator Cruz has used up his allotted time.”

“Thank you for reminding Governor Kasich of the rules, Dana.” Ted waved and smirked. “As I was saying, I think that Kasich’s pick for his waifu, the so called ‘best girl’, is quite poor. He is simply jumping on to new trends, picking a waifu such as Asuna from Sword Art Online, an anime barely three years old! I have had the same pick for best girl, Asuka Langley from Neon Genesis Evangelion, for nearly twenty years at this point! I behoove the American people to elect someone firm in their convictions, not one who changes their waifus as the wind changes, as their next president.”

“Thank you, Senator Cruz. Moving on to-”

“No! Stop right there!” Kasich burst out. “I am going to reply to this moron’s statement or so help me!”

“Alright, Governor, calm down! Go ahead!”

“Good! First off, Ted, Asuka is not best girl! In fact, she doesn’t even place on my list of top 50 girls! She is, frankly, a mediocre girl at best! You simply let your blind nostalgia for the anime of your youth cloud your judgement. Secondly, do not question my convictions, Senator Cruz!” John reached under the podium and took out a folded over pillow. He unfolded beautiful, dear Asuna and stood her up against his side. “I love this woman! I would die for her! She is my love, my life, my every waking moment! I would do anything in the world to protect her, and the American people, from harm, and the way I will do that is by making sure some maniac like Donald Trump or some… some… person with shitty taste in waifus like you doesn’t become president! Come on, Asuna-chan, let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

John Kasich threw his beautiful, sweet, young Asuna under his arm and left the stage. These people, these… normies, weren’t ready for John Kasich and his 2 dimensional love… or so he thought. Later that night, Donald Trump lay in the Trump Jet, far from the judging gaze of Ivanka and the rest of the world, with his beloved Homura-chan, savoring the fleeting moment of 2D passion and lust. Soon they would do the same in the White House and the world would remain oblivious to their love.

3 thoughts on “[Election ‘016 044] John Kasich: Kin’iro no Kokoro no Otaku no Seijika

  1. I really don’t know what to say. I laughed, I cried. I now desire a 2D pillow with a lovely waifu depicted on it.

    Don’t worry, John. I’m on your side.

    (jk)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *