Ted and John: Super-Teamup Fight Time Go!
It was almost time.
Ted Cruz pulled up the spandex on his suit in a glorious montage, showing his latex gloves, his American flag-patterned boots, his metal-studded codpiece, and the amazing T-embroidered shirt he wore to top it all off, complete with seemingly permanently-erect nipples poking through. He was almost ready to do battle against all the baddies. He was… the Firebrand.
For many a moon, he had fought on the streets alone. It was a tough and grueling job, taking care of villains like Dr. Science Man, GW Bridge, Jeb!!!!!, and Marco Roboto. As for the latter, he had flirted with trying to reform Roboto into a hero and taming him as a sort of sidekick, but… it was too late, for the true villain behind all the crimes in America City– The Donald– had finished him off himself.
The Donald was a great enemy who came from the heinous liberal New York, and had used his icy tentacles to brainwash the minds of half the citizens of America City into following his corrupt and desperate grab for power. The Firebrand could not stand for his treachery, but he was not strong enough to defeat him on his own. That’s why, this time, he had enlisted some help from an unlikely source: the notorious anti-hero, Governor of Ohio.
His secret identity unknown to Firebrand, Governor of Ohio was a mysterious individual who saved the citizens of America City, but in a decidedly… right-of-center manner. He was even rumored to have something of a liberal streak in some areas. The thought of teaming up with someone with such a high bodycount as Governor of Ohio would have been unthinkable months ago, but as the scourge of The Donald continued, desperation kicked in. Firebrand had to compromise.
Governor of Ohio rolled into Firebrand’s line of sight in a souped-up 2005 Ford Taurus with green LED lights under the wheels and blazing-bright headlights, along with a spoiler on the back. Where this man got the audacity to make such a brazen display of edginess, Firebrand didn’t know, and he didn’t want to know either. He simply shut up and accept the man’s help. Just for one mission.
The antihero stepped out of the car, wearing cargo shorts and an untucked golf shirt. Governor of Ohio was as unkempt and unsightly as ever. “Yo,” the man said. “Let’s take The Donald down.”
“I say amen on that,” Firebrand said.
The two superheroes had gotten a perfect ambush opportunity on The Donald. The Donald was currently terrorizing some pregnant women on the street, demanding 22% of the money in their wallets, and was clearly not paying any attention to his surroundings.
“Now is the time to strike,” Firebrand said.
“Not yet,” Governor of Ohio said. “We should get his attention first.”
“But we can get the jump on him and finish him off fast. What are you smoking?”
“Not marijuana, that’s what.” Governor of Ohio began stepping towards The Donald. “I’m about to use my powers. Step back and watch. And then get his attention.”
“Wait, what are your powers?” Firebrand asked.
Governor of Ohio turned back towards Firebrand and smirked. “Turning invisible. I have the uncanny ability to deflect all criticism and attacks simply by not being noticed by anyone.”
“Though I can’t speak to you while I’m invisible, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.”
Firebrand raised his hand to speak an objection, but Governor of Ohio had already vanished. Well, he guessed he would try to fight The Donald on his own, and hope that his companion would do whatever it was he would do with his element of surprise.
“Hey, The Donald!” Firebrand shouted. The villain turned around, ten dollars and forty-six cents in hand.
The Firebrand didn’t speak. Instead, he stared. They met eyes, and Firebrand unleashed his main attack: the Stare of Conservative Penance. Any normal liberal would break down in tears within seconds from the intense pain and positive opinions towards small government. Some would simply evaporate, if their guilt from being a part of the Washington Cartel was strong enough.
The Donald, though– he was a different beast. The attack seemingly had no powers within him at all. But it was obvious that the man had no conservative values in him whatsoever, so why was the attack not working? Surely his body was rife with liberal values to destroy from within, right? Unless…
Unless… The Donald had no values at all. Oh no. Firebrand made a huge mistake. He made an assumption.
The Donald then raised a mirror and pointed it towards Firebrand. His own Stare of Conservative Penance reflected off of the mirror and hit Ted Cruz himself. He was ideologically pure, and could stand it… but then he thought of his support for a constitutional ban on gay marriage and… his skin burned… he couldn’t… no….
“Agh!” he shouted, closing his eyes and ending the attack. Where was Governor of Ohio?!
“You’re so weak,” The Donald said. “Sad!”
“No,” Firebrand said, still panting. “You’re the one… who’s weak. You’re a New York liberal with no values to call your own. You’re a flip-flopper.”
“Ha! Too bad I’m winning. I always win. I’m winning in all the polls. I beat Hillary Clinton in every poll. Nobody does better than me.”
“LIAR!” Governor of Ohio suddenly reverted to visible form, just behind The Donald, and charged at the man– before quickly being tossed aside, crashing into a nearby wall.
The Donald laughed. “Poor Firebrand. I can’t believe you teamed up with such a pathetic loser. You made an alliance just to defeat me, and you still lost. You still lost because I’m just so great.”
Firebrand collapsed on the ground, unable to move after the damage inflicted by his own attack. Governor of Ohio was now a bloodied mess on the wall. The Donald simply walked away, likely taking his poisonous evil to another part of America City to torment the poor citizens…
“I need someone else to help me,” Firebrand said. “Governor of Ohio was not enough to defeat The Donald. And neither am I. But you… you’re different. I’ve been watching you for a while, and I think… you’re special. You’re not like other heroes. You could really be the one to help me defeat neoliberalism, once and for all.”
“I… I’ll do it.”
Firebrand patted Carly Fiorina on the back. “You’re officially my sidekick, then. How do you like the name… The Vice Lady?”
“It has a nice ring to it.”