[Election ‘016 068] If You Bern It, Does It Not Bleed?

[Election ‘016 068] If You Bern It, Does It Not Bleed?

Hillary Clinton sat an ornately carved wooden desk, resting her face in her palms. The trials had been going on for what seemed like a lifetime. Had it been 6 months? A year? The days were getting hard to count, probably because the only sleep she got was when she collapsed, too exhausted to hold her head up. He was persistent, but she wasn’t prepared to give up. He would not break her.

A yellow light on the wall clicked on. Hillary cleared her throat and pressed down the red button on the intercom in front of her.

“Commence to the next stage,” she said.

Continue reading “[Election ‘016 068] If You Bern It, Does It Not Bleed?” »

[Election ‘016 066] I Am Become Ted-th

[Election ‘016 066] I Am Become Ted-th

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The lighting rig creaked as Ted Cruz kneeled atop the metal trusses. Thousands of people rustled beneath him, mumbling to each other about thugs and ISIS and welfare between mouthfuls of popcorn and soda. These were Ted’s kind of people. He used to fill town halls and lecture halls full of wide eyed, white skinned, blue collared Americans like these. They would come for miles to hear him preach the American truth. About how his family heard the sweet song of Lady Liberty and pierced through the iron curtain to fall into the warm embrace of her bosom. About how, with nothing but sticktoitiveness and and the grace of God Almighty, he overcame adversity to seize his dream, one which is shared with all young patriotic boys; becoming a Junior Senator from Texas.

But they weren’t here for Ted. Ted couldn’t fill a minivan these days because of him. That’s why he had to die. Continue reading “[Election ‘016 066] I Am Become Ted-th” »

[Clipart] Sleepy

[Clipart] Sleepy

The Moon pulled the nightcap over his head, getting cozy and sinking into his favorite nook in the night sky. He looked down over the four corners of the Earth, sprawling out below him. Veins of light pulsed through the land, streaming out from the cities that outlined the shape of the continents.

“Good night, humans. Sleep tight! I hope you have a fun and exciting day tomorrow!” the Moon said.

He looked over to his pal the Sun, his luminous twin who rotated in tandem over the other half of the Earth. He gave his buddy a wave.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Sun! Keep up the good work!” Moon said. Continue reading “[Clipart] Sleepy” »

[Clipart] TV in Trash

[Clipart] TV in Trash

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“God, I’m just so sick of the Man, man!” Aiden shouted into the uncaring void of his $1100-a-month downtown studio. “Consumerism is, like, destroying this planet, man! All these Kardashians and Trumps and shit, man! Like, I don’t even watch TV.”

Aiden eyed the 30” CRT that sat atop the cinder block shelf at the front of the room.

“Yeah. I never watch TV. In fact… I don’t even need a TV at all!”

Aiden walked over to the television, wrapped his arms around it, and heaved the 30 pound hunk of plastic and glass off of the shelf. Continue reading “[Clipart] TV in Trash” »

[Election ‘016 063] [REDACTED]

[Election ‘016 063] [REDACTED]

April 6, 2015

We have completed the last of the extractions and the specimens should arrive by morning. This batch was from a country club in eastern Oklahoma. This is a bit of an outlier compared to the usual collection areas deeper within the heartland, but these subjects fit the bill. Any variation due to this is statistically improbable. As with the previous collections, the subjects were caucasian, middle class, Christian males. The samples were collected under the pretense of a blood drive to support police officers injured during attacks by liberal protestors. Updates will cease until the experiment officially commences.

 

April 23, 2015

We have finished sequencing the genomes of each of the samples. We have a total number of 370 samples from locations throughout the Midwest, with the largest portion coming from Ohio and Illinois, although there were a few outliers from Allen, Romano, and other benefactors. There are certain aspects from each that we wish to express within the subject. Pronounced nordic fold. Pasty complexion. Receding hairline. If we stick to the schedule then we should move on to lab trials within the week. Continue reading “[Election ‘016 063] [REDACTED]” »

Scrapped Election Story

Scrapped Election Story

I didn’t write anything new this weekend, but what I’m giving you here is a dive into the behind the scenes. The seedy underbelly of HCAD, populated by all of the stories too shocking, too vile, and (more often than not) too shitty to see the light of day… until now. This was a story that I started writing back during the dark ages of the 2016 election, back when the Republican field still numbered in the double digits. I don’t even remember exactly what I was ultimately going for, but it was something about Ron Paul/Rand Paul fans arguing in the style of movie or video game fans on a forum and, likewise, was formatted like a forum post. I think it was a decent idea, but I ultimately scrapped it for something else equally terrible (Barty Randerson, maybe? I don’t remember the timeline very well.) Well, either way, enjoy, I guess.

Continue reading “Scrapped Election Story” »

[Election ‘016 061] Silence of the Teds

[Election ‘016 061] Silence of the Teds

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“It puts the ballot in the box or else it gets the hose again,” Ted said.

Ted’s basement was cold, dark, and wet. The windows were blacked out and barred and the only light in the room came from a single flickering lightbulb the swayed in its center. Beneath the lightbulb was a neat circular hole about 10 feet across. Ted sat on the edge of the pit, his feet dangling playfully off the side. He grabbed a handful of campaign pamphlets and mailers from the stack that sat next to him and tossed them in.

“Please… please, just let me out,” a woman cried from the bottom of the pit. She grappled at the smoothed stone that made up the walls of the pit, but she couldn’t find her footing. Continue reading “[Election ‘016 061] Silence of the Teds” »

Not a Clipart

Not a Clipart

Hey, this isn’t a clipart, but it is certainly a thing for you to read. I am just coming off of a very hectic finals week, even more hectic than usual as a result of me being a moron and taking extra classes, so I didn’t have very much time to write HCAD stuff. I did, however, write things for my creative writing class, so I figure sharing that is better than nothing. This was a (meh) thing that I wrote for an assignment where we had to take an adage or saying and adapt it into a full short story. Here is “Jack of All Trades.”

Continue reading “Not a Clipart” »