[Election ‘016 061] Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road

[Election ‘016 061] Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road

mad kasix cruzy road

Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road

Thedude3445

 

Kasix stood over the cliff overlooking the large expanse of sand and wasteland surrounding the entire land. This land used to be the great state of Utah, but after the primaries… It looked exactly the same. But that was beside the point, because Utah reminded Kasix of nothing but the brutality and disgusting destruction of the past twelve months of this Presidential Election…

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[Election ‘016 060] Carson and Me

[Election ‘016 060] Carson and Me

Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson bows his head in prayer before speaking at a town hall meeting, Friday, Oct. 2, 2015, in Ankeny, Iowa. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

“Where are we going, Jeb!?” Ben Carson asked. He stared intently at the passing blur of green that streamed by outside the car window. “Do we have another debate today?”

“Yeah, buddy. A big ol’ debate. Everyone will be there to see you, champ.” Jeb! pat Ben on the head and gave his coarse salt and pepper hair a scratch.

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[Election ‘016 059] A Message from the 45th President of the United States

[Election ‘016 059] A Message from the 45th President of the United States

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Khoor, wklv lv d phvvdjh iurp wkh 45wk Suhvlghqw ri wkh Xqlwhg Vwdwhv dqg Crgldf Nloohu, Whg Fuxc. L dp vhqglqj wklv lq d pxfk pruh hdvb wr ghflskhu frgh ehfdxvh L dp vr hdjhu wr vkduh pb phvvdjh zlwk wkh Dphulfdq shrsoh. Wrr orqj kdyh wkh olehudo Ghprfudwv dqg vr fdoohg frqvhuydwlyh Uhsxeolfdqv lq Zdvklqjwrq vtxhofkhg rxu edvlf kxpdq uljkwv wr olih, olehuwb, wkh sxuvxlw ri kdsslqhvv, dqg wkh pxughu ri grchqv ri lqqrfhqw shrsoh lq wkh vwuhhwv ri d pdmru xuedq duhd. Brx fdq ehw brxu erwwrp groodu wkdw L zloo iljkw wr surwhfw wkhvh uljkwv dqg doo rwkhu uljkwv jxdudqwhhg wr xv eb wkh Xqlwhg Vwdwhv Frqvwlwxwlrq, lqfoxglqj exw qrw olplwhg wr wkh vodxjkwhu ri 37 phq dqg zrphq ryhu wkh frxuvh ri 10 bhduv. L dssodxg wkh frxudjh ri wkh Dphulfdq shrsoh iru vwdqglqj xs iru wkhpvhoyhv, vdblqj qr wr elj jryhuqphqw, dqg fkdpslrqlqj d frog-khduwhg vhuldo nloohu vxfk dv pbvhoi, doorzlqj klp lqwr wkh kljkhvw riilfh lq wkh odqg. Jrg eohvv Dphulfd dqg pdb pb wkluvw iru eohg qhyhu eh vdwldwhg.

Ph = 37 VISG = 0

[Election ‘016 058] The Death of Jeb!

[Election ‘016 058] The Death of Jeb!

jeb-bush-hoodie-fail

The unconscious Jeb! was sprawled across his couch, his slacks and dress shirt disheveled and stained with orange tinted smears and brown splotches. The floor, coffee table, and every inch of the couch not occupied by his bloated body were covered in sticky beer and soda cans and food wrappers, all licked free of crumbs. Jeb’s phone, rattled the half empty Mtn Dew that was placed on top of it, jolting Jeb! awake and sending detritus streaming off the couch and crashing to the floor like a waterfall of aluminum. Jeb! blindly swatted at the tabletop until he grabbed his phone and hit talk.

“Whuuuuh…. what the hell do you want? Who is this?” Jeb! mumbled into the receiver.

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[Election ‘016 57] Hillary the Memer Episode II: The Memes Strike Back

[Election ‘016 57] Hillary the Memer Episode II: The Memes Strike Back

galactic_senate

The humble auditorium of Ford’s Theater was empty, save for the company on stage performing a rendition of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar and a solitary box occupied by a sullen woman in her late 60s. There were only three seats in the box, one of them draped in an American flag and cordoned off with velvet ropes. Hillary Clinton sat on the far end of the row, surveying the performers below. Each senator plunged a sword into the side of Caesar, whose toga was stained with bright red stage blood. A young man, lean and handsome, with slicked black hair and a freshly pressed suit, walked in and stood nervously behind her, afraid to make a sound. Hillary turned to face him.

“Ah, Julian! Good to see you! Please, sit down.” Hillary beckoned to the young man. Julian hesitated for a moment before joining her next to the off-limits seat.

“You wanted to speak to me, ma’am?” Julian asked. Continue reading “[Election ‘016 57] Hillary the Memer Episode II: The Memes Strike Back” »

[Election ‘016 056] Final Moments

[Election ‘016 056] Final Moments

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Final Moments

Thedude3445

 

Ben Carson felt terrible.

It was a special kind of terrible, though. The kind where his head throbbed, every vein in his body pulsed out, and the only release he could get was that he was going numb from the blood loss.

He had been in many surgeries over the years, but it was obviously never with him on the receiving end. He now knew how it must feel to go through one of his famous brain splices without any anesthetic. He no longer wished to be called Science Man, after all this. He realized that Ben was good enough for him.

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[Election ‘016 055] Dispelling the Fiction

[Election ‘016 055] Dispelling the Fiction

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Dispelling the Fiction

Thedude3445

 

Marco sat down in his chair, sweat pouring down from his forehead.

He had lost.

But it wasn’t his game to lose, so he just really didn’t understand. How could he not win? He was supposed to. Everyone said he was going to. But then he… didn’t.

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[Election ‘016 054] The Prince of Light

[Election ‘016 054] The Prince of Light

160120d-john-kasich

The Prince of Light

Thedude3445

 

The sunrise shone brightly like an omelette, steam rising from the skillet as the cheese melted into its surface. No, wait. More like a sponge cake rising in the oven. Yeah, that sounded better.

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[Election ‘016 053] Martin O’Malley and the Vision Quest of a Thousand Bernie Sanders Supporters

[Election ‘016 053] Martin O’Malley and the Vision Quest of a Thousand Bernie Sanders Supporters

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Martin O’Malley and the Vision Quest of a Thousand Bernie Sanders Supporters

Thedude3445

 

“I have to win…”

“I have to win…”

Martin clutched the sheets hanging over his bed and pulled himself off of the floor and onto his bed. Now the sheets were spread all over the floor, but he was on his bed. Martin’s eye twitched and he rolled over on top of a pillow. He reached his unclutched arm up into the air and mimicked grabbing a lightbulb from the fan and taking it over to his face.

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[Election ‘016 52] Rand’s Last Stand

[Election ‘016 52] Rand’s Last Stand

RandPaulLS

In the Grand Sanctum, the beating heart of the proud Kingdom of Libertaria, jewel of the mortal realm and last bastion of the Ones Before, the King Roenald of the Clan Paul did bequeath upon his son. “Lo, Prince Raendus, son of Roenald, son of Coaspar, sole heir to this holy kingdom beneath the light of the Gods’ eyes. You, young one whose untamed mane cries in defiance of heaven’s strongest winds, have been summoned to this Sanctum to complete a task. I and my subjects have long known this day, this most auspicious of days, would come, but we knew not that it would come so soon,” said the elder Paul, muscles limp and bones scarred from decades of battle and time’s weathering. “I have grown weak in my old age, Raendus, my son of sons, and I can no longer carry the weight of our people upon my shoulders. Yes, my son, it is your time. ‘tis the dawn of a new age. Tonight, as the three suns set behind the Spine of Aeyn, the throne shall be yours.” Continue reading “[Election ‘016 52] Rand’s Last Stand” »