Cat Two Snuggle
—Snuggle up with some cats– two of them! They’re fun, they’re soft, they’re straight from Akihabara district in Tokyo and they’re biochemically engineered to be the cuddliest, cutest little things the planet’s ever seen. Buy two today!—
Vinnie walked out of the pet shop with two cats snugged in his arms. the bright sun beamed down on their white fur and made them glow
“Wow, there sure is nothing in the world I can think of that would be better than snuggling with these two cats… forever!” Vinnie felt powerful, and he felt… well, powerful. “These cats are the bomb.”
“Dot com?” a passerby asked on cue.
“We’re facing a major situation here, General,” Secretary Norris Patton told his superior, General Fred Maximov.
The General stopped snuggling his two cats and looked at the Secretary with scorn. “Can’t you see I’m busy here?”
“Sir… Please! You have to stay rational!”
“I’m perfectly rational!” He pulled out his gun and pointed it at Patton. “Now tell me what the issue is, or I’ll blast your head off!”
“Sir! We’ve found evidence that these new cats from Japan… aren’t from Japan at all!”
General Maximov exhaled deeply, and shook his head. “LIAR!” he shouted. He began snuggling with his cats again.
“Please, this is very serious… These cats were actually engineered in… Syria.”
“So they were outsourced. So what?”
“”So that means, they’re actually ISIS cats!”
At this moment, the two cats on General Maximov’s laps knew their cover was blown. They drew their claws and went straight for the jugular.
Four years and two hundred million lives later… and the Cat War was over. The desolate wastelands of what used to be Baltimore, Maryland were covered in a harsh winter snow. A young woman, some sort of mercenary, pointed her gun at a man in a hood, who pointed his back at her.
“Are you ISIS?” she growled.
“Yes,” he said. “But I mean you no harm. Our people suffered just as many losses as you. We shall no longer fight.”
They lowered their guns simultaneously, and embraced.
“Promise me you’ll help us rebuild what we lost,” she said.
“You have more than my promise. You have my life.”
They went back to the refugee camp together, ready to unite these peoples, to get past those adorable cats that snuggled the world into oblivion.