Hillary Clinton sat an ornately carved wooden desk, resting her face in her palms. The trials had been going on for what seemed like a lifetime. Had it been 6 months? A year? The days were getting hard to count, probably because the only sleep she got was when she collapsed, too exhausted to hold her head up. He was persistent, but she wasn’t prepared to give up. He would not break her.
A yellow light on the wall clicked on. Hillary cleared her throat and pressed down the red button on the intercom in front of her.
“Commence to the next stage,” she said.
Frederick Fred O, owner of the company that owns the company that owns the planet that holds the company that produces a specific frog-shaped chocolate candy, locked his home’s door for the night and sighed. The beings his company had placed on the planet in preparation for the chocolate frog production were starting to become a bit too sentient. They realized, like many others, that the chocolate frogs some of them were eating were actually rather bad tasting and overpriced. This was Frederick Fred O’s responsibility to take care of. Continue reading “[Clipart] Alien 0” »
You’ve heard of American Beauty. You’ve heard of American Psycho. You’ve heard of American Beauty/American Psycho. Now get ready for American Bartender!
He’s the real deal: a muscular hunk of man that will serve you the liquid part of a meal. Watch him now in one of nearly infinite locations in fifty states and several territories!*
John B. Anderson’s Quest
It was September 21st, 1980, and The white-haired fox John B. Anderson stood on the podium, ready for the first Presidential debate against Ronald Reagan. That man had already beaten him once, in the Republican Primary. And he would beat him again, he knew. John polled at just fifteen percent; the race was between Carter and Reagan. It was a lost cause, but not one he could abandon. He needed to use this… this terrible election with two subpar choices, with a discontent American people and an opening for a third party… an Independence Party, maybe… that could break the hold of the two-party system and free America from the political strife and corruption that had plagued the country for a decade.
The Moderator Bill Moyers approached the stage, and Ronald stepped onto his own podium. John knew it was almost time to–
Frank walked down the row of cubicles, checking everyone to make sure they were at their computers and doing their jobs. He felt a wave of apathy among his employees today, and it struck him too, but he knew that work just needed to be done. He passed Roger Clevus, working on a spreadsheet of some sort. Check. He passed Rick Moriband, also doing work on a spreadsheet… with Youtube paused on his other monitor. Check… He passed Renee Monteil, who had three separate tabs of Youtube open on each of her three monitors. Check…
But then he got to the last cubicle and found fucking Dan Whitten. With a fucking bag on his head.
“Plug into the Adventure!” screams the cover art of this movie. “Not on your life!” I scream back, sobbing into my pillow at night, remembering the five minutes of this film I was awake for at six years old. Continue reading “[Movies We Haven’t Watched] The Brave Little Toaster” »
Sheila had problems. She was a fluid girl living in a world full of solid people. Usually, she fluctuated between gelatinous and watery depending on her stress level.
Her hair, much like the expectations people had of her success in life, was dripping down to the floor and seeping through the cracks in the wood. Some was in the basement. Continue reading “[Clipart] Dripping Hair” »
Home Clipart Animal Deer and Moonglasses Magazine have teamed up to make a cool new story contest for you to enter. Based on three clipart images provided to you, you can write your own story, submit it, and win the GRAND PRIZE of five whole dollars!
It runs from today until July 31st, so you’ve got plenty of time to make a lot of cool stuff.
Elle Woods, sorority president, is in love with a man. Or, well, she was.Her boyfriend broke up with her in a public setting to be with someone else. This is what I know. Continue reading “[Movies We Haven’t Watched] Legally Blonde” »
The lighting rig creaked as Ted Cruz kneeled atop the metal trusses. Thousands of people rustled beneath him, mumbling to each other about thugs and ISIS and welfare between mouthfuls of popcorn and soda. These were Ted’s kind of people. He used to fill town halls and lecture halls full of wide eyed, white skinned, blue collared Americans like these. They would come for miles to hear him preach the American truth. About how his family heard the sweet song of Lady Liberty and pierced through the iron curtain to fall into the warm embrace of her bosom. About how, with nothing but sticktoitiveness and and the grace of God Almighty, he overcame adversity to seize his dream, one which is shared with all young patriotic boys; becoming a Junior Senator from Texas.
But they weren’t here for Ted. Ted couldn’t fill a minivan these days because of him. That’s why he had to die. Continue reading “[Election ‘016 066] I Am Become Ted-th” »