The lighting rig creaked as Ted Cruz kneeled atop the metal trusses. Thousands of people rustled beneath him, mumbling to each other about thugs and ISIS and welfare between mouthfuls of popcorn and soda. These were Ted’s kind of people. He used to fill town halls and lecture halls full of wide eyed, white skinned, blue collared Americans like these. They would come for miles to hear him preach the American truth. About how his family heard the sweet song of Lady Liberty and pierced through the iron curtain to fall into the warm embrace of her bosom. About how, with nothing but sticktoitiveness and and the grace of God Almighty, he overcame adversity to seize his dream, one which is shared with all young patriotic boys; becoming a Junior Senator from Texas.
But they weren’t here for Ted. Ted couldn’t fill a minivan these days because of him. That’s why he had to die. Continue reading “[Election ‘016 066] I Am Become Ted-th” »
Donald Trump Polygonal Portrait
I am an artist.
I am the one who is helping to make America great again.
Continue reading “[Clipart/Election ‘016] Donald Trump Polygonal Portrait” »
Ted and John: Super-Teamup Fight Time Go!
It was almost time.
Ted Cruz pulled up the spandex on his suit in a glorious montage, showing his latex gloves, his American flag-patterned boots, his metal-studded codpiece, and the amazing T-embroidered shirt he wore to top it all off, complete with seemingly permanently-erect nipples poking through. He was almost ready to do battle against all the baddies. He was… the Firebrand.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 065] Ted and John: Super-Teamup Fight Time Go!” »
Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road
Kasix stood over the cliff overlooking the large expanse of sand and wasteland surrounding the entire land. This land used to be the great state of Utah, but after the primaries… It looked exactly the same. But that was beside the point, because Utah reminded Kasix of nothing but the brutality and disgusting destruction of the past twelve months of this Presidential Election…
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 061] Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road” »
The unconscious Jeb! was sprawled across his couch, his slacks and dress shirt disheveled and stained with orange tinted smears and brown splotches. The floor, coffee table, and every inch of the couch not occupied by his bloated body were covered in sticky beer and soda cans and food wrappers, all licked free of crumbs. Jeb’s phone, rattled the half empty Mtn Dew that was placed on top of it, jolting Jeb! awake and sending detritus streaming off the couch and crashing to the floor like a waterfall of aluminum. Jeb! blindly swatted at the tabletop until he grabbed his phone and hit talk.
“Whuuuuh…. what the hell do you want? Who is this?” Jeb! mumbled into the receiver.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 058] The Death of Jeb!” »
Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th, 2016
Foreword: All Primary maps were generated using a cool tool from RealClearPolitics. Check it out here. You may have to open the maps in a different tab to view them in full-size.
January 27th, 2016
Mitt Romney laid over in his bed and his face hitt Ann’s back. It woke him up, his eyes jolting open. His vision was blurry and his mind was spinning from whatever he was dreaming about.
He then felt the warmth of his blanket and of Ann’s back. He put his arm around her, put his head back against his pillow, and closed his eyes.
It was a very long, cold night, and Mitt’s mind cleared into an icy Iowan landscape, one that he was so familiar of, for all those years before…
January 29th, 2016
Sean Hannity turned to Mitt in that same-as-always spin and smiled. “So here on the show today we have a very special guest coming to talk to us. It’s former Massachusetts Governor and Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney. Mitt, how are you today?”
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 049] Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th 2016 (Part One)” »
Jeb Bush says that he is the right choice for the presidency. He says that he can solve the nation’s problems. That he is strong enough to take down ISIS. That he will win the election without resorting to “petty insults and name calling.” Well, Jeb, you know what’s worse than petty insults and name calling? Picking your nose. Yes, as you can see, John Ellis “John Ellis Bush” Bush is a bit of a nasal prospector. Maybe he plans on funding a war on ISIS with all the gold that he mines? Who knows? Well, the American people know not to elect a smelly booger eater like Jeb Bush.
This message is not in any way endorsed by Donald Trump.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 042] The Bush Identity” »
The Presidential Apprentice
Ted Cruz stood among a shroud of darkness. It enveloped him like nothing else ever had; though he tried to embrace the calming powers of the infinite black, he felt a sense of unease sweeping through him. He could no longer see the door through which he entered the room, so he realized he was trapped in here, alone with nothing but his wits and his constitutional conservatism to guide him.
His eyes were adjusting to the dark, letting him see various shapes in the distance, when he realized he was in an office room of some sort. So he hadn’t just trapped me in this place to let me suffer… That’s fortunate.
A few small red lights turned on, illuminating small portions of the room in a moody crimson. Finally, Ted Cruz was able to let himself take several steps forward towards what he realized was a large desk, though it was shaped like nothing else he had ever seen.
For all Ted knew, he was alone, but he felt a presence around him, and not just the darkness that had seemingly accepted him into its fold. I wonder if he’s really here… Ted closed his eyes and let himself focus, and then felt a hand on his shoulder.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 040] The Presidential Apprentice” »