Hillary Clinton sat an ornately carved wooden desk, resting her face in her palms. The trials had been going on for what seemed like a lifetime. Had it been 6 months? A year? The days were getting hard to count, probably because the only sleep she got was when she collapsed, too exhausted to hold her head up. He was persistent, but she wasn’t prepared to give up. He would not break her.
A yellow light on the wall clicked on. Hillary cleared her throat and pressed down the red button on the intercom in front of her.
“Commence to the next stage,” she said.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 068] If You Bern It, Does It Not Bleed?” »
Ted got out a pack of crayons and set them on the table next to a large piece of construction paper. He opened the pack and sniffed that crayon-y smell fresh out of the box. He took out the macaroni-and-cheese one and began to draw a map of Iowa.
Drawing this map of Iowa and then dividing it into its ninety-nine counties was the only way he could unwind and relax tonight. It helped him take his mind off the stress and put his energies into something creative and powerful and beautiful and intuitive.
He just wished that President Reagan could see him now. His drawing was sure to look great and represent the heart of America, but he wanted more than anything for Reagan to be proud of him,
One day, though, he would make the man happy, he thought as he marked a giant green X over Des Moines.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 51] Eve of Iowa” »
Hope my instructor gives me extra credit for being fuckin’ woke
Hillary Clinton slouched in her throne, looking down upon her advisers like a lioness surveying a herd of gazelle. Her underlings trembled under her palpable gaze. She could taste their fear but, for once in her reign, that wasn’t enough. The Crown Princess demanded answers. Hillary unfurled her crooked spine exhaled a puff of smoke.
“Which one of you will answer for these transgressions?” Hillary clacked her scepter on the floor. “Is it you, David the campaign manager?” One of the underlings let out an audible chirp, now shaking so fast that he could barely keep himself standing. The clockwork ticking of gold on marble was maddening, but David didn’t say a word. Hillary stopped. “No, it wasn’t this one.
“Hmmmmm, and what of Marie, the Social Media Director? Is she the reason why that geriatric communist is now ahead of me in two states!?” Hillary tossed her scepter at the woman. Its crystalline head shattered and flecks of glass washed across the throne room floor. The woman fell backwards, shrieking in pain as hundreds of glass splinters sliced her palms. Continue reading “[Election ‘016 048] Hillary Clinton: Rise of the Memer Part I: In Which the Memer Rises” »
For the Queen
Queen Hillary sat on her throne overlooking a vast and ornate throne room. It was adorned with vibrant reds and understated lavenders on the widespread carpets as well as the banners on the walls. Several ancient statues lined the edges of the room, making poses that praised towards the one sitting on the throne– which was her, of course.
It was peaceful in the kingdom, as of late. The uprisings had been quelled, and the people were pacified. She knew not how it was accomplished, but she did not give too much thought, for she had more pressing matters to deal with.
As a matter of fact, one of those more pressing matters was about to address her now, for she saw Sir Chuck Schumer, one of her valiant knights, entering the throne room and moving at a brisk pace towards her.
“Queen Hillary!” he shouted as he approached.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 041] For the Queen” »
I finally watched the 2nd Democratic debate last night and I thought I would transcribe an excerpt from it that I found to be especially moving.
DICKERSON: It is undeniable that the political situation in the Middle East, especially in Iraq and Syria, is at the least stable level it has been in a decade. Governor O’Malley, what would you do to stop the spread of ISIS throughout Iraq and the rest of the Muslim world?
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 31] Dem Debate Transcript” »
“-lary Clinton will go on trial tomorrow in front of a military tribunal for her involvement in 2012 attacks on th-”
“-not believe what she did! If she really didn’t do those terrible things then she should turn over whoever really di-”
“-osby has been exonerated of all of his crimes because at least he isn’t Hil-”
Hillary chucked the remote at the television, drilling a hole in the screen and sending sparks shooting through the shattered glass. She wasn’t even that mad about the reports, to be honest. She just really did not feel like going through all the trouble of pressing the power button. Hillary couldn’t be bothered by whatever Gate she was currently involved in; being embroiled in a nationwide controversy was just like breathing for her. Whitewatergate, Lewinskigate, and now… uhhh…
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 025] Love, Like a Ghazi in the Wind” »