“Where are we going, Jeb!?” Ben Carson asked. He stared intently at the passing blur of green that streamed by outside the car window. “Do we have another debate today?”
“Yeah, buddy. A big ol’ debate. Everyone will be there to see you, champ.” Jeb! pat Ben on the head and gave his coarse salt and pepper hair a scratch.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 060] Carson and Me” »
The unconscious Jeb! was sprawled across his couch, his slacks and dress shirt disheveled and stained with orange tinted smears and brown splotches. The floor, coffee table, and every inch of the couch not occupied by his bloated body were covered in sticky beer and soda cans and food wrappers, all licked free of crumbs. Jeb’s phone, rattled the half empty Mtn Dew that was placed on top of it, jolting Jeb! awake and sending detritus streaming off the couch and crashing to the floor like a waterfall of aluminum. Jeb! blindly swatted at the tabletop until he grabbed his phone and hit talk.
“Whuuuuh…. what the hell do you want? Who is this?” Jeb! mumbled into the receiver.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 058] The Death of Jeb!” »
Ben Carson felt terrible.
It was a special kind of terrible, though. The kind where his head throbbed, every vein in his body pulsed out, and the only release he could get was that he was going numb from the blood loss.
He had been in many surgeries over the years, but it was obviously never with him on the receiving end. He now knew how it must feel to go through one of his famous brain splices without any anesthetic. He no longer wished to be called Science Man, after all this. He realized that Ben was good enough for him.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 056] Final Moments” »
Ted got out a pack of crayons and set them on the table next to a large piece of construction paper. He opened the pack and sniffed that crayon-y smell fresh out of the box. He took out the macaroni-and-cheese one and began to draw a map of Iowa.
Drawing this map of Iowa and then dividing it into its ninety-nine counties was the only way he could unwind and relax tonight. It helped him take his mind off the stress and put his energies into something creative and powerful and beautiful and intuitive.
He just wished that President Reagan could see him now. His drawing was sure to look great and represent the heart of America, but he wanted more than anything for Reagan to be proud of him,
One day, though, he would make the man happy, he thought as he marked a giant green X over Des Moines.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 51] Eve of Iowa” »
Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th, 2016
Foreword: All Primary maps were generated using a cool tool from RealClearPolitics. Check it out here. You may have to open the maps in a different tab to view them in full-size.
January 27th, 2016
Mitt Romney laid over in his bed and his face hitt Ann’s back. It woke him up, his eyes jolting open. His vision was blurry and his mind was spinning from whatever he was dreaming about.
He then felt the warmth of his blanket and of Ann’s back. He put his arm around her, put his head back against his pillow, and closed his eyes.
It was a very long, cold night, and Mitt’s mind cleared into an icy Iowan landscape, one that he was so familiar of, for all those years before…
January 29th, 2016
Sean Hannity turned to Mitt in that same-as-always spin and smiled. “So here on the show today we have a very special guest coming to talk to us. It’s former Massachusetts Governor and Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney. Mitt, how are you today?”
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 049] Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th 2016 (Part One)” »
Jeb Bush says that he is the right choice for the presidency. He says that he can solve the nation’s problems. That he is strong enough to take down ISIS. That he will win the election without resorting to “petty insults and name calling.” Well, Jeb, you know what’s worse than petty insults and name calling? Picking your nose. Yes, as you can see, John Ellis “John Ellis Bush” Bush is a bit of a nasal prospector. Maybe he plans on funding a war on ISIS with all the gold that he mines? Who knows? Well, the American people know not to elect a smelly booger eater like Jeb Bush.
This message is not in any way endorsed by Donald Trump.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 042] The Bush Identity” »
“…we commend to Almighty God our brother, Bobby; and we commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him, the Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace. Amen.”
“Amen,” Jeb!, George, and Chris said in unison. Chris buried his face in the collar of his shirt. Jeb! wrapped his arms around his friend and held him close.
“I can’t believe he’s gone, Jeb!. It was… it was a week ago that we were at the debates and I said – oh god, Jeb!! I made fun of his ears! If I would’ve known then I wouldn’t have-” Continue reading “[Election ‘016 033] The Three Governors” »
The searing light of the sun beat down on the cracked ground of the borderlands. There was not a cloud in the sky nor a tree for miles around to offer momentary respite from the hateful glare. Only sand and salt spreading on into the horizon. Yet I soldiered on, because I am a builder. It was men like me who built the great wonders of this world. The Great Wall of China. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Trump Tower. The Colossus of Rhodes. All of them trophies thrust into the face of a jealous and spiteful god, unwilling to admit that his creations had surpassed him. I laid down another brick and spread a layer of mortar on top of it. I looked back, to millions of places where I had performed that same monotonous action. I could no longer see the end.
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 030] The Builder” »
GOP Debate: Energy
The debate stage was set. Lindsey “Linds” Graham in the center, with John Kosoick on his left, and the Alternate Reality Jim Gilmore (ARJG) on his right. The others on the left included Jeb!, The Donald, and Scott Walker. Those on the right side were Ted Cruz, Science Man (formerly known as Ben Carson), and George Pataki.
Off to the side, those that had participated in the undercard debate, were Rick Santorum, Robert Jindal, Carly Fiorina, Our Universe’s Jim Gilmore (OUJG) and Marco Rubio. They got to sit and watch as the big boys were asked the real-candidate questions. Rand Paul had been missing for two weeks, and a massive search party still had not brought any results, so he was not present at the debate.
“Okay, candidates,” the moderator said. “You know the rules. When addressed, you have exactly twenty-five seconds to answer the question. Then if you bring someone up, they get two minutes to rebut your claim.”
“Is everyone ready…” the other guy next to the moderator, who may have also been a moderator, not sure, began. “TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!”
Continue reading “[Election ‘016 029] GOP Debate: Energy” »